Book Teaser: It's All Okay Until It's Not
If you haven’t had the chance to read the previous book teaser, please do so! Also, I would like to put a disclaimer out there. There are parts of my book that have some colorful language. This is not meant to offend people or discount the faith I stand for. The fact of the matter is that sometimes life events call for the four letter words. It’s unrealistic to think that people of faith are the exception to these reactions and emotions. This chapter explains a little of how and when I found out about my ex-husband’s affair. Needless to say, this would be one of those colorful chapters.
2. It’s All Okay Until It’s Not
“When you see a drunk girl, in a skin tight dress, at a one year old’s birthday straddling her boyfriend while giving your husband the eye, trust your gut. The bitch is out to wreck your home.
As soon as you enter parenthood, all of a sudden EVERY person with kids the same age as yours is your “friend.” Meaning you go to a lot of first birthday parties of new found acquaintances. Put on by proud parents who have thought of every possible detail to make this the perfect first birthday. This particular first birthday, I noticed only one detail and that was a party guest who appeared to be rather smitten with my husband.
In the fall of 2012, I noticed a significant change in BD. He was distant and simply not himself. Things had been pretty off between us since late September. And by off, I know now, he was living a double life. Dealing with that mental torment is bound to make anyone a little “off”. In MY mind, all I thought was that we were in a little rut, a dry spell, a time where we weren’t giddy in love. These times are natural in marriage and I was convinced this was where it ended.
During what I had defined as a rut, BD would go on “long drives” to clear his mind. I knew he was struggling with something pretty hard. Mentally, he was always somewhere else. When I would ask to discuss just what the hell was going on with him (in a much kinder, godlier wife tone), he would put it off and simply ask for more time to himself. I believe there are times as individuals where you do need to process on a solo level in order to bring a better version of yourself back to the marriage. I had this scenario in mind when giving BD the benefit of the doubt.
Not to say my mind did not wander and build up what in the world was going on. I remember thinking to myself, I wonder if he’s killed someone? What would I do? Would I stay married to him if he was convicted of murder? He was acting THAT strange. Clearly, my mind was far from the possibility of an affair. I thought dead body in a field over infidelity. This illustrates just how strange he was acting and just how much confidence I had in my marriage.
Only a couple days into 2013, that confidence I had in my marriage came crashing down. We had planned on finally talking about all of the madness that was going on with BD. The night that this conversation was to take place, BD left to get a pack of cigarettes in preparation for confessing the horrific news. While at the liquor store, I saw that he had left his phone at home (still not sure if it was on purpose or not). The cell phone showed a new message, so with no ill intent, I glanced and saw a text message that utterly shocked me. It was a dialogue between him and another friend all about how much he loved the homewrecker (again, the most respectful label I could come up with for this particular content). The conversation went a little something like, “You just need to tell Lauren … I know I need to tell her … Does the homewrecker know how much I love her? … She does. And you deserve to be happy. Tell Lauren you’re leaving.”
BD came home to quite the shit storm. I could not believe what I was reading. The pit in my stomach was as deep as they come. All I could think was somebody better pinch me soon because this must be a horrible, horrible dream. This can’t be happening. How did this happen? What about my family? A journal excerpt from the day after I found out:
“This year will possibly be the hardest one yet. My marriage is in trouble, my heart is broken, and I’ve been betrayed by the man who I am supposed to share the most intimate parts of my life with. I have hope in the Lord. I have hope that He can redeem, restore, and rebuild. I pray in the name of Jesus that this will be true of our marriage.
29 He gives power to the weakand strength to the powerless.”
Over the course of the following month, I heard three versions of BD’s story in terms of the affair. The first, second, and third version. The PG, the R, and the X rated versions. I don’t feel the need to spell out all of the gory details, rehashing is not healthy or helpful. Let’s just say an inappropriate friendship including a handful of emails, turned into seeing each other outside of work a couple times, turned into every worst case scenario you can think of happening and had been happening for the past 4 months.
Once the X-rated version surfaced, I asked BD to move out. I was not going to settle for that level of disrespect in my marriage. I wanted him to take time to figure out what life he wanted. Conversations that followed in this hellish time period included a lot of outlandish comments. All of the statements were said with angry eyes. These are the eyes that BD took on when news of the affair came out. They are exactly what they sound like. His eyes were scary, shallow, and all round angry. What came out of his mouth sounded a little something like this: ‘I’ve never loved you. I married you for the wrong reasons. We have no physical or emotional intimacy. We have no chemistry. I am in love with the homewrecker and she owns me.’”