How We Remember
“It was good to remember that for every horrible memory from her marriage, there was also a happy one. She wanted to see it clearly, to understand that it wasn’t all black, or all white. It was a million colors. And yes, ultimately it hadn’t worked out, but that was okay. Just because a marriage ended didn’t mean that it hadn’t been happy at times.” -Liane Moriarity
The way we remember our former marriages and what led to our divorce can be layered with pain, pride, sadness, hope, loss, relief and the list goes on. The “both/and” if you will. I knew when I’d had enough, but I chose to hold any happy memory I could because why not? Why not look back on a meaningful time of your life and pick out pieces that want to carry on with.
Our memories make up so much of how we operate. This can be both debilitating and invigorating. On one end, you have scenes of heartache you’d do anything to stop replaying, on the other, glimpses of a favorite vacation where you’re carefree surrounded by beauty. How do we assign what memories take up the most space? How do we get the bad ones to stop haunting us and keep the good ones on repeat? I wish I had the magic answer, but I think it’s found in the way we foster and discipline our thoughts.
We aren’t robots and can’t re-program our minds to undo what we’ve seen or experienced, but we can practice the discipline of fixing our thoughts on the good and beautiful. We can be mindful of what we consume. What fuels memories we would rather not re-live? And, what keeps the happy ones at the forefront? A lot of rewiring and a lot of practice in training our focus, but it can be done. I do believe we have control over the memories that dictate our thoughts and ultimately our behavior.
I used to think back on the worst of my divorce and be consumed by memories of the details. The weight of it would physically stop me in my tracks. As I invested in and went deeper with my own healing, I slowly learned to redirect the crippling memories that ultimately ended my marriage. They were not only keeping me in the past but blocking a healed future. Like anything divorce-related, this doesn’t happen overnight. Part of processing these memories means allowing them to take up a safe space. By safe space, I mean with healing in mind, with help on hand, with redirection as your intent. Putting this time into your healing will launch you toward the glorious day where even trying to think about the worst of it doesn’t even phase you. A strange notion if you’re early on, I get it. But, I promise you’ll get to the point where sometimes retelling the story barely feels like your own because of how far removed you are.
The beautiful upside to arriving in this space is the peace it brings your co-parenting. I share in Same Team that most likely the reason people arrive in a blended family is the product of heartache and trauma. At least two people in the co-parent foursome have experienced the pain of their divorce and that takes serious time to recover from. Once that recovery happens, you can look at co-parenting through an entirely new lens. And, even look back with that same lens.
If you are co-parenting with young children, there’s quite a bit of time ahead of you. I know that some people feel they are in impossible scenarios and their other co-parent is not in a mental state to work together. Those aren’t necessarily the folks I am talking to. I am talking to the ones who can look for some positive pieces in your co-parenting dynamic. The ones who don’t feel bogged down by those suffocating memories. The ones who can look back at a happy memory and take that for what it was at that point in time. Not in the context of what would unfold or how the story ended, but simply for how it existed in that moment.
If you can shift your thinking to focus on the pleasant points, your co-parenting will feel lighter. It’s all connected. How you think of and view your co-parent will absolutely play into the interactions that create the blended family you desire. Whatever small steps you can take to make this happen in a positive way, move in that direction. Go at your own pace and give yourself grace, knowing full-well the prize of not allowing past memories to dictate your co-parenting is pure gold. Your future depends on how you choose to remember your past.