The Loss of Someone Living

There are few things more paralyzing than grieving the loss of someone still living. I’ve never lived through losing a spouse to illness or sudden tragedy, so I won’t dare compare the two. I have abruptly lost a spouse to, let’s say, an alternative ending. I thought our life was clearly going one way, and he thought differently. The layers that go into this type of grief are quite messy. Any type of grief is heartbreaking at best.  The losses that make up a person leaving are subtle and suffocating all at once. They can take a simple day and turn it into a weepy one all by the sound of a song or the glimpse of a familiar view. There’s nothing simple or linear about this.

And, what happens when the person you’re grieving is still casually around. What happens when that loss is stopping by to pick up your child or splitting your house into dollar signs. What happens when the loss is drafting custody agreements. What happens when you cross paths with that loss. What then? How many times can the grief restart at square one? How much can one person endure at once? Grieving and healing, two steps forward, interactions and run-ins, two steps back. 

In those early months and even years, this cycle was brutal. How does one ever truly heal when faced with their loss straight in the face day after day? Well, one way is making the choice to keep grieving. Don’t let the physical reality of a person stop your progress. The life you knew is no more, so regardless of if that face looks painfully familiar, it’s not the same. The losses that make up that person are your new reality. Sometimes this harsh reality will be what you need to properly move forward. Your top priority needs to be protecting yourself from what once was. 

As I’ve said before, the grief process ebbs and flows. And, years down the road the worst of it truly all blur together. Not without a lot of hard and intentional work, but a blur nonetheless. No matter where you fall in the loss of someone living, protect your heart and mind first. Take off the colored glasses that view this person as anything other than a bunch of little losses that need to be grieved. Do what it takes to compartmentalize so that your healing can take over and actually grieve this life that is no longer.

And, then one day you’ll realize the blows have been softened. The lyrics of a song that once brought you to tears suddenly get skipped on a playlist without thinking twice. The place that once held treasured memories has faded or now housed new experiences. This is when you know you’re finding yourself in a new light. You’re finding this new self that could not have survived with the past. The self that needed this beautiful future. The one you deserved all long. And, then it’ll be crystal clear you may have lost someone, but you found yourself. You won.